3 00:00:11,979 --> 00:00:13,857 - i'm telling you, puppets make anything funny. 4 00:00:13,881 --> 00:00:16,426 give me something that isn't funny. 5 00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:19,663 - a plane crash into a nuclear power plant. 6 00:00:19,687 --> 00:00:20,731 - okay. 7 00:00:20,755 --> 00:00:22,432 now picture the same plane crash, 8 00:00:22,456 --> 00:00:24,667 only the cabin is full of screaming puppets 9 00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:26,603 flailing their skinny little puppet arms. 10 00:00:26,627 --> 00:00:27,637 funny, right? 11 00:00:27,661 --> 00:00:29,139 - mm, maybe. 12 00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:30,407 are they on fire? 13 00:00:30,431 --> 00:00:31,431 - hmm. 14 00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:33,476 - hey, lawndale high. 15 00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:37,113 are you ready to par-tay cra-zay? 16 00:00:37,137 --> 00:00:38,748 - what the hell is that? 17 00:00:38,772 --> 00:00:40,216 - if it's an ice cream truck, 18 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:43,053 that better be some damn good ice cream. 19 00:00:43,077 --> 00:00:44,054 - wow! - yeah! 20 00:00:44,078 --> 00:00:45,988 - oh, my god! 21 00:00:46,012 --> 00:00:46,989 look at his hair. 22 00:00:47,013 --> 00:00:47,991 - i'm bing. 23 00:00:48,015 --> 00:00:49,392 - and i'm the spatula man. 24 00:00:49,416 --> 00:00:51,227 we're mental in the morning. 25 00:00:51,251 --> 00:00:54,331 - 'cause you've got to be crazy to make it through high school. 26 00:00:54,355 --> 00:00:55,332 - yeah! 27 00:00:55,356 --> 00:00:56,800 - all right! - whoo-hoo! 28 00:00:56,824 --> 00:00:57,801 - great, you guys. 29 00:00:57,825 --> 00:00:58,802 - good grief. 30 00:00:58,826 --> 00:01:00,837 - it's lame djs, charlie brown. 31 00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:01,838 - whoo-hoo! 32 00:01:01,862 --> 00:01:02,839 together: gah! 33 00:01:02,863 --> 00:01:03,840 - this is so exciting. 34 00:01:03,864 --> 00:01:06,075 imagine, real-life celebrities 35 00:01:06,099 --> 00:01:10,347 broadcasting all week live from lawndale high. 36 00:01:10,371 --> 00:01:11,848 - they're not celebrities. 37 00:01:11,872 --> 00:01:13,183 - they're djs. 38 00:01:13,207 --> 00:01:15,084 - wacky djs. 39 00:01:15,108 --> 00:01:18,154 and their hilarious antics will soon silence 40 00:01:18,178 --> 00:01:20,790 those naysayers who would have us believe 41 00:01:20,814 --> 00:01:23,393 that lawndale high is a place of gloom. 42 00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:26,396 - of course, getting rid of the hidden cameras 43 00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:28,865 and bomb sniffing dogs would accomplish the same goal. 44 00:01:28,889 --> 00:01:30,633 - you girls should be thanking me 45 00:01:30,657 --> 00:01:33,570 for caring so much about student morale. 46 00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:36,305 - i don't suppose the school would be receiving a large fee 47 00:01:36,329 --> 00:01:39,108 from the radio station for participating in this stunt. 48 00:01:39,132 --> 00:01:40,377 - ms. morgendorffer, 49 00:01:40,401 --> 00:01:43,113 those bomb sniffing dogs have to eat. 50 00:01:44,638 --> 00:01:46,749 - could puppets make them funny? 51 00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:49,886 - mm, i withdraw my theory. 52 00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:51,721 - well, actually, eric, 53 00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:53,457 would you mind if we wrap this up tomorrow? 54 00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:55,224 oh, no, that's okay. 55 00:01:55,248 --> 00:01:56,326 no, fine. 56 00:01:56,350 --> 00:01:57,727 it's just that my family was just... 57 00:01:57,751 --> 00:01:58,962 - no, yes, sure, of course. 58 00:01:58,986 --> 00:01:59,963 not at all. 59 00:01:59,987 --> 00:02:01,130 anyt... never. 60 00:02:01,154 --> 00:02:03,266 - nothing like taco tuesday, eh, girls? 61 00:02:03,290 --> 00:02:04,734 - if i recall correctly, 62 00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:06,770 taco thursday was pretty similar. 63 00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:07,971 - i was on the radio today. 64 00:02:07,995 --> 00:02:10,574 bing and the spatula man invited the fashion club 65 00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:13,810 to critique the outfits of some less stylish students. 66 00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:15,712 - marconi would be so proud. 67 00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:17,981 - that spatula man is funny. 68 00:02:18,005 --> 00:02:20,484 - as are most men named for kitchen utensils. 69 00:02:20,508 --> 00:02:23,854 - helen, you're gonna miss out on all the guacamole. 70 00:02:23,878 --> 00:02:26,255 ♪ mom's gonna miss the guacamole ♪ 71 00:02:26,279 --> 00:02:27,657 ♪ mom's gonna miss the guacamole ♪ 72 00:02:27,681 --> 00:02:29,960 - enough with the guacamole! 73 00:02:29,984 --> 00:02:32,562 no, not you, eric. 74 00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:34,798 - i think bing has a crush on me. 75 00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:37,567 daddy, you're using all the cheese! 76 00:02:37,591 --> 00:02:40,003 - hey, what did the doctor tell you about cheese? 77 00:02:40,027 --> 00:02:42,672 no, not you, eric. 78 00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:45,375 how would i know what the doctor told you about cheese? 79 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:47,777 why, sure. 80 00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:49,846 i'd love to hear what the doctor told you about cheese. 81 00:02:49,870 --> 00:02:52,515 - "what did the doctor tell you about cheese, jake?" 82 00:02:52,539 --> 00:02:54,617 "what did the doctor tell you about cheese, jake?" 83 00:02:54,641 --> 00:02:57,487 why can't a man come home from hard day's work 84 00:02:57,511 --> 00:03:00,156 and enjoy a lousy taco without it turning into... 85 00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:02,192 hey, you know, it's the darndest thing. 86 00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:03,759 i can't feel my arm. 87 00:03:03,783 --> 00:03:05,361 - yes, i can probably put together a... 88 00:03:07,388 --> 00:03:08,364 - dad? 89 00:03:08,388 --> 00:03:09,599 - blerg. 90 00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:10,867 - daddy? 91 00:03:10,891 --> 00:03:14,905 - ♪ mom's gonna miss the guacamole ♪ 92 00:03:14,929 --> 00:03:16,907 - jakey! 93 00:03:18,933 --> 00:03:21,077 - we'll have to wait for the test results, 94 00:03:21,101 --> 00:03:23,413 but so far it looks like a very mild heart attack. 95 00:03:23,437 --> 00:03:24,514 - oh, no. 96 00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:26,416 - a heart attack? 97 00:03:27,508 --> 00:03:30,253 - a very mild heart attack. 98 00:03:30,277 --> 00:03:32,021 - was there much damage to his heart? 99 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,323 - i don't think so. 100 00:03:33,347 --> 00:03:36,258 if he adopts the right diet, exercise, and attitude, 101 00:03:36,282 --> 00:03:37,427 he should be fine. 102 00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:38,894 i hope you don't mind the question, 103 00:03:38,918 --> 00:03:41,497 but is there anything in your father's home life 104 00:03:41,521 --> 00:03:43,500 that might be causing him stress? 105 00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:48,871 - are bats sneaking into your neighborhood 106 00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:50,674 disguised as cute flying squirrels? 107 00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:54,077 rabid rodent rip-off, tonight on sick, sad world. 108 00:03:55,102 --> 00:03:56,079 the bats of death! 109 00:03:56,103 --> 00:03:57,781 they've come for me! 110 00:03:57,805 --> 00:03:58,882 - don't worry, dad. 111 00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:00,850 it's just the bats of bad tv. 112 00:04:00,874 --> 00:04:02,117 - oh, jakey. 113 00:04:02,141 --> 00:04:03,419 i promise the girls and i 114 00:04:03,443 --> 00:04:05,722 will take good care of you from now on. 115 00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:06,723 - what's the catch? 116 00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,391 - there's no catch, jake. 117 00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:10,926 that's just your medication talking. 118 00:04:10,950 --> 00:04:12,696 - assuming he's on any medication. 119 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:15,098 - this book will tell us what we need to do 120 00:04:15,122 --> 00:04:17,367 now that we have a heart attack survivor in the family. 121 00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:18,501 - and guess what, daddy. 122 00:04:18,525 --> 00:04:20,537 i'm gonna study to be a doctor. 123 00:04:20,561 --> 00:04:21,804 - hey, that's great. 124 00:04:21,828 --> 00:04:23,773 - dr. quinn, medicine moron. 125 00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:25,207 - a heart doctor. 126 00:04:25,231 --> 00:04:26,476 if dad had died, 127 00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:28,278 i would have been freaked out for, like, years. 128 00:04:28,302 --> 00:04:29,646 - that's the spirit, sweetie. 129 00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:31,114 avenge my death. 130 00:04:31,138 --> 00:04:32,616 - you're not dying, dad. 131 00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:33,817 - avenge me! 132 00:04:33,841 --> 00:04:35,484 - jake, you're gonna give yourself a... 133 00:04:35,508 --> 00:04:36,686 never mind. 134 00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:39,289 honey, is there anything we can get for you? 135 00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:40,790 - yipe! 136 00:04:42,683 --> 00:04:43,683 - i want my mommy. 137 00:04:45,085 --> 00:04:47,597 - so my grandmother ruth will be staying with us 138 00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:48,732 while my dad recovers. 139 00:04:48,756 --> 00:04:50,233 - is this the grandmother who said 140 00:04:50,257 --> 00:04:52,535 she'd give you a hundred bucks if you changed your hair? 141 00:04:52,559 --> 00:04:54,237 - both my grandmothers said that. 142 00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:57,373 - spatula man, i see a couple of ladies here 143 00:04:57,397 --> 00:05:00,443 who i bet know how to par-tay. 144 00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:03,079 - we really should start driving between classes. 145 00:05:03,103 --> 00:05:04,614 - girls, we've got a treasure chest 146 00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:07,617 full of z93 prizes here, 147 00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,251 and all you have to do for the key 148 00:05:09,275 --> 00:05:11,187 is tell us on the air 149 00:05:11,211 --> 00:05:14,045 where you love to get mental in the morning. 150 00:05:15,783 --> 00:05:18,762 - i think they have stage fright, spatula man. 151 00:05:18,786 --> 00:05:19,763 - come on, girls. 152 00:05:19,787 --> 00:05:21,498 nothing to fear but winning. 153 00:05:21,522 --> 00:05:23,733 just tell us which station plays the hits 154 00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:26,135 high schoolers love to hear. 155 00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:27,704 - note to self, 156 00:05:27,728 --> 00:05:31,341 stop by courthouse on way home and pick up restraining order. 157 00:05:31,365 --> 00:05:33,275 - well, no problemo. 158 00:05:33,299 --> 00:05:36,912 we'll just find some other mental morning party people. 159 00:05:36,936 --> 00:05:39,281 - this will get worse before it gets better. 160 00:05:39,305 --> 00:05:42,084 - i can't believe they gave us free key chains 161 00:05:42,108 --> 00:05:43,253 with a z93 thingy. 162 00:05:43,277 --> 00:05:46,689 - and look, it's a flashlight too. 163 00:05:46,713 --> 00:05:48,324 - wow, how do they do that? 164 00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:51,094 - they must be made with computers. 165 00:05:52,319 --> 00:05:55,598 - ruth, it's wonderful to see you. 166 00:05:55,622 --> 00:05:56,599 - hey. 167 00:05:56,623 --> 00:05:57,600 - hi, grandma ruth. 168 00:05:57,624 --> 00:05:58,601 - yeah, hi. 169 00:05:58,625 --> 00:06:00,002 - helen, girls. 170 00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:02,905 still haven't settled on a decorator, i see. 171 00:06:02,929 --> 00:06:04,873 - well, if you remember, ruth, 172 00:06:04,897 --> 00:06:07,410 i decided to decorate the house myself. 173 00:06:07,434 --> 00:06:09,111 - oh, marvelous. 174 00:06:09,135 --> 00:06:11,481 i look forward to seeing it once you get started. 175 00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:13,049 - as a matter of fact, it's already... 176 00:06:13,073 --> 00:06:16,118 - and how are my little granddaughters? 177 00:06:16,142 --> 00:06:18,455 daria, you look... 178 00:06:18,479 --> 00:06:20,389 you haven't changed a bit. 179 00:06:20,413 --> 00:06:23,593 - actually, i've had a number of bionic limbs installed. 180 00:06:23,617 --> 00:06:25,394 - well, i don't know what that means. 181 00:06:25,418 --> 00:06:27,764 but as long as you don't get a tattoo, i'll be happy. 182 00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:29,999 - you mean another tattoo. 183 00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:33,936 - and how's my beautiful little quinn? 184 00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:35,505 is that a stethoscope? 185 00:06:35,529 --> 00:06:36,506 - i need to get used 186 00:06:36,530 --> 00:06:37,940 to coordinating outfits around it. 187 00:06:37,964 --> 00:06:39,875 i'm studying to be a heart doctor. 188 00:06:39,899 --> 00:06:41,411 so the next time my dad collapses, 189 00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:42,945 i can save him. 190 00:06:42,969 --> 00:06:46,950 - quinn, girls as pretty as you don't need to become doctors. 191 00:06:46,974 --> 00:06:48,050 - i know. 192 00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:49,551 but it's like, you know, a calling. 193 00:06:49,575 --> 00:06:51,087 - where's my jakey? 194 00:06:51,111 --> 00:06:52,655 - mom, is that you? 195 00:06:52,679 --> 00:06:55,625 - jakey, you shouldn't be yelling. 196 00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:57,527 didn't you give him a bell? 197 00:06:57,551 --> 00:07:00,596 - we were just about to, of course. 198 00:07:00,620 --> 00:07:01,620 - really. 199 00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:07,003 - this doesn't say anything about a bell. 200 00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:11,341 - ♪ la, la-la, la-la la-la ♪ 201 00:07:11,365 --> 00:07:14,733 ♪ la-la, la-la, la-la ♪ 202 00:07:18,472 --> 00:07:21,717 - "oh, it offends me to the soul 203 00:07:21,741 --> 00:07:23,953 "to hear a robustious periweg-pated fellow 204 00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:26,322 "tear a passion to taters, to very rags, 205 00:07:26,346 --> 00:07:27,924 to split the ears of the groundlings"... 206 00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:29,859 - coming up, our raunch-a-riffic list 207 00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:32,227 of 101 words for sex! 208 00:07:38,725 --> 00:07:40,437 - so the stories were right. 209 00:07:40,461 --> 00:07:43,706 people really do use these peculiar rooms to prepare food. 210 00:07:43,730 --> 00:07:45,208 - welcome home, dear. 211 00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:47,009 i'm just teaching your mother how to cook. 212 00:07:47,033 --> 00:07:48,110 - oh, nonsense. 213 00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:49,245 i cook all the time. 214 00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:50,447 don't i, daria? 215 00:07:50,471 --> 00:07:51,648 - well... 216 00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:53,383 - what exactly are you making, helen? 217 00:07:53,407 --> 00:07:55,551 - chinese chicken with pea pods. 218 00:07:55,575 --> 00:07:56,952 - mm-hmm. 219 00:07:56,976 --> 00:08:00,111 you do realize that's a piece of fish. 220 00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:06,695 - ugh, this is so frustrating. 221 00:08:06,719 --> 00:08:08,832 daria, have you ever read this book? 222 00:08:08,856 --> 00:08:12,401 - thrombocytopenic complications after stent placement 223 00:08:12,425 --> 00:08:15,238 post coronary artery angioplasty. 224 00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:17,807 maybe you should start off with something easier. 225 00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:21,299 many coloring books feature hearts and rainbows. 226 00:08:22,970 --> 00:08:25,214 - come on, jakey. 227 00:08:25,238 --> 00:08:27,183 you've got to eat something. 228 00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:29,185 - but i don't like oatmeal. 229 00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:31,921 - if you eat it, i'll give you some apple juice. 230 00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:32,922 - with a straw? 231 00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:34,791 - pretend the spoon is an airplane. 232 00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:36,059 works every time. 233 00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:38,795 daria, could you feed your father for a minute? 234 00:08:38,819 --> 00:08:39,796 - i'm sure he can... 235 00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:40,797 - thanks, dear. 236 00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:44,200 - daria, my eldest, my heir. 237 00:08:44,224 --> 00:08:46,535 - well, if i manage to bump off mom 238 00:08:46,559 --> 00:08:47,971 and make it look like an accident. 239 00:08:47,995 --> 00:08:49,205 - this is serious, daria. 240 00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:50,906 i may not be long for this earth. 241 00:08:50,930 --> 00:08:53,009 and when i go, it could well fall on you 242 00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,344 to put things in order. 243 00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:56,612 your mother, of course, will be so stricken with grief 244 00:08:56,636 --> 00:08:57,913 she'll be unable to function. 245 00:08:57,937 --> 00:09:02,318 and quinn, she's just so very young. 246 00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:05,487 oh, god, my little quinn! 247 00:09:06,512 --> 00:09:08,691 - dad, you're not dying. 248 00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:10,993 the doctor said you'd be fine after some rest. 249 00:09:11,017 --> 00:09:13,730 - to think i promised to walk you down the aisle one day. 250 00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:15,064 - now there's a request 251 00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:16,733 i definitely don't remember making. 252 00:09:16,757 --> 00:09:18,835 - daria, you don't get it. 253 00:09:18,859 --> 00:09:21,137 the reaper could walk into this room at any moment. 254 00:09:21,161 --> 00:09:23,339 - time for someone's sponge bath. 255 00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:27,210 - hey, spatula man. 256 00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:28,411 let's remind our audience 257 00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:29,879 what we're doing here this morning. 258 00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,247 - it's simple, bing. 259 00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:33,916 we're gonna make a love match for this young man 260 00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:35,184 live on the air. 261 00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:36,252 what's your name, chief? 262 00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:37,620 - charles is my name. 263 00:09:37,644 --> 00:09:41,857 exploring the dark underbelly of passion is my game. 264 00:09:42,882 --> 00:09:43,859 okay, charles. 265 00:09:43,883 --> 00:09:45,394 the first girl out here in our audience 266 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:46,629 to agree to a date with you 267 00:09:46,653 --> 00:09:50,032 is gonna get a free mental in the morning 268 00:09:50,056 --> 00:09:51,700 bumper sticker. 269 00:09:51,724 --> 00:09:54,070 - what do you say, ladies? 270 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,404 - ew! - upchuck? 271 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:56,906 - no way. 272 00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:59,074 - a date for a bumper sticker? 273 00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:02,344 - even upchuck doesn't deserve this much humiliation. 274 00:10:02,368 --> 00:10:04,581 - think how the bumper sticker must feel. 275 00:10:04,605 --> 00:10:07,550 - well, charles, looks like the response is underwhelming, 276 00:10:07,574 --> 00:10:08,551 to say the least. 277 00:10:08,575 --> 00:10:09,552 - no, no. 278 00:10:09,576 --> 00:10:11,854 they're always shy at first. 279 00:10:11,878 --> 00:10:14,657 it makes them more mysterious. 280 00:10:14,681 --> 00:10:16,359 - hey, if they won't come to you, carlos, 281 00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:20,830 the spatula man ain't too proud to go to them. 282 00:10:20,854 --> 00:10:22,465 - hey! 283 00:10:22,489 --> 00:10:23,466 - ow. 284 00:10:23,490 --> 00:10:25,201 - watch it, spatula geek. 285 00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:27,770 - hey, chick-a-ritas, which one of you lovelies 286 00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:30,239 wants to go out for a night on the town 287 00:10:30,263 --> 00:10:31,341 with my man charles 288 00:10:31,365 --> 00:10:35,511 and win a free bumper sticker on z93? 289 00:10:35,535 --> 00:10:36,646 - tiffany dear, 290 00:10:36,670 --> 00:10:39,649 would you please explain to the spatula man 291 00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:42,551 why a bumper sticker cannot possible compensate 292 00:10:42,575 --> 00:10:45,187 for the shame and permanent reputation damage 293 00:10:45,211 --> 00:10:48,357 involved with a single date with charles ruttheimer? 294 00:10:48,381 --> 00:10:50,459 - upchuck? 295 00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:51,661 ew. 296 00:10:51,685 --> 00:10:53,362 - well done. 297 00:10:53,386 --> 00:10:54,730 - hey, how about you? 298 00:10:54,754 --> 00:10:58,267 up for a date with our don juan de lawndale? 299 00:10:58,291 --> 00:10:59,502 - no thanks. 300 00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:02,438 - don't you want to hear your voice on the radio? 301 00:11:02,462 --> 00:11:03,439 come on. 302 00:11:03,463 --> 00:11:04,774 you look like you could use a date. 303 00:11:04,798 --> 00:11:06,776 - climb on up here, kitten. 304 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:09,578 let me be your ball of yarn. 305 00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:13,850 - okay, you talked me into it. 306 00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:16,118 - you hear that, everybody? 307 00:11:16,142 --> 00:11:20,423 - i'll just run home first and take a ten-year shower. 308 00:11:20,447 --> 00:11:22,691 - bed, come on. 309 00:11:22,715 --> 00:11:25,294 i need lumbar support, lumbar support! 310 00:11:25,318 --> 00:11:27,095 - jake, calm down. 311 00:11:27,119 --> 00:11:29,532 your father never used to carry on like this. 312 00:11:29,556 --> 00:11:30,533 - of course not. 313 00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:32,702 expressing emotion requires a soul. 314 00:11:32,726 --> 00:11:34,837 - what's that supposed to mean? 315 00:11:34,861 --> 00:11:37,707 dad was a decent, caring man. 316 00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:39,041 - oh, sure he was. 317 00:11:39,065 --> 00:11:41,077 caring enough to ship me off to military school 318 00:11:41,101 --> 00:11:42,244 first chance he got. 319 00:11:42,268 --> 00:11:44,880 - but you asked for more structure in your life. 320 00:11:44,904 --> 00:11:48,383 - all i said was i might want to go to tennis camp. 321 00:11:48,407 --> 00:11:49,719 - oh, that's right. 322 00:11:49,743 --> 00:11:51,420 - but dad twisted my words around, 323 00:11:51,444 --> 00:11:54,389 the same way he twisted my entire adolescence 324 00:11:54,413 --> 00:11:58,293 into a bitter hangman's noose of resentment and isolation. 325 00:11:58,317 --> 00:12:00,730 he wouldn't even teach me to shave. 326 00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:01,731 - now, jake. 327 00:12:01,755 --> 00:12:04,133 you know your father had a razor phobia. 328 00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:06,268 - i had to learn behind the munitions hut 329 00:12:06,292 --> 00:12:07,904 from corporal ellenbogen. 330 00:12:07,928 --> 00:12:10,740 - that man with one thumb? 331 00:12:12,098 --> 00:12:14,410 - daria, what do you think of this pattern? 332 00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:16,745 your grandmother seems to think our current drapes 333 00:12:16,769 --> 00:12:18,214 aren't cheery enough. 334 00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:20,049 i'll show her cheery. 335 00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:22,484 - this might not be the best time for you to be working 336 00:12:22,508 --> 00:12:24,153 near large panes of glass. 337 00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:25,788 - oh, darn it. 338 00:12:25,812 --> 00:12:28,824 i thought this surgery thing would be a lot easier. 339 00:12:28,848 --> 00:12:29,825 - don't worry. 340 00:12:29,849 --> 00:12:31,126 when you operate on real people, 341 00:12:31,150 --> 00:12:32,428 their noses don't light up. 342 00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:34,930 - can you believe the stomach on this patient guy? 343 00:12:34,954 --> 00:12:37,333 no wonder he has to get all this stuff removed. 344 00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:40,670 - um, quinn. 345 00:12:40,694 --> 00:12:42,405 that is the phone, isn't it? 346 00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:44,140 - sorry, i'm studying. 347 00:12:45,165 --> 00:12:46,275 - hello? 348 00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:48,311 mom, it's mary anne at the office. 349 00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:50,245 - i'll just have to call her back. 350 00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:51,814 use the message pad. 351 00:12:51,838 --> 00:12:54,083 - message pad? 352 00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:57,720 she'll have to get back to you when she regains her sanity. 353 00:12:57,744 --> 00:13:00,422 no, i don't know when that will be. 354 00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:02,258 okay, bye. 355 00:13:05,852 --> 00:13:07,930 hello? 356 00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:10,466 yes, quinn's here, but she's studying. 357 00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:12,435 studying. 358 00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,403 no, this isn't a prank call. 359 00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:16,038 you called me. 360 00:13:16,062 --> 00:13:17,440 okay, i'll tell her. 361 00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:19,441 that was... 362 00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:21,844 - message pad. 363 00:13:21,868 --> 00:13:24,447 darn gall bladder. 364 00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:26,482 - no matter what i did, 365 00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:28,016 he'd always done it better. 366 00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:30,753 - he gave me $50 a month for my allowance. 367 00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:32,021 allowance! 368 00:13:32,045 --> 00:13:35,224 as if keeping his house spotless and raising his children 369 00:13:35,248 --> 00:13:37,926 was only worth the price of a couple of girdles. 370 00:13:37,950 --> 00:13:40,095 - tried to mold me into a soldier, 371 00:13:40,119 --> 00:13:41,797 but did he ever let me have a g.i. joe? 372 00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:44,267 didn't want his boys playing with dolls, he said. 373 00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:45,268 - oh, jake. 374 00:13:45,292 --> 00:13:47,403 i wanted you to have that doll. 375 00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:48,771 - it was an action figure. 376 00:13:48,795 --> 00:13:50,439 - i'm sorry, jakey. 377 00:13:50,463 --> 00:13:51,774 if i could do it all over, 378 00:13:51,798 --> 00:13:54,610 i'd stand up for you against your father. 379 00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:55,778 as a matter of fact, 380 00:13:55,802 --> 00:13:58,281 i'd do a lot of things differently. 381 00:13:58,305 --> 00:14:00,182 oh, oh, my. 382 00:14:01,641 --> 00:14:03,385 feel a little faint. 383 00:14:03,409 --> 00:14:04,453 my chest. 384 00:14:04,477 --> 00:14:05,554 - mommy? 385 00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:07,656 see what you've done, old man? 386 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:08,958 how many more lives, dad? 387 00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:13,963 how many more lives? 388 00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:17,499 - daria, what's going on up there? 389 00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:21,392 - i think we may have another patient on our hands. 390 00:14:30,103 --> 00:14:31,814 anyway, the doctor checked her out, 391 00:14:31,838 --> 00:14:33,315 and she's okay. 392 00:14:33,339 --> 00:14:36,585 it was just gas from my mother's heart-smart lima bean cupcakes. 393 00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:39,254 - she collapsed right next to your dad? 394 00:14:39,278 --> 00:14:41,189 that's so sweet. 395 00:14:41,213 --> 00:14:43,792 i mean, in a twisted, horrible sort of way. 396 00:14:43,816 --> 00:14:45,093 - i guess. 397 00:14:45,117 --> 00:14:47,129 - they're not still in bed together, are they? 398 00:14:47,153 --> 00:14:49,465 - heart disease, borderline psychosis: 399 00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:52,434 i shudder to think what lies behind door number three 400 00:14:52,458 --> 00:14:54,370 in the morgendorffer genetic code. 401 00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,071 - it could be worse. 402 00:14:56,095 --> 00:14:58,440 you could come from a family of wacky morning djs. 403 00:14:58,464 --> 00:14:59,741 - don't remind me. 404 00:14:59,765 --> 00:15:01,377 between dad and the party van, 405 00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:04,313 life's become a living hell at home and at school. 406 00:15:04,337 --> 00:15:05,314 - don't worry. 407 00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:06,882 the van will move on soon 408 00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:09,484 or be destroyed in a mysterious bombing. 409 00:15:09,508 --> 00:15:10,619 i haven't decided yet. 410 00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:12,721 - there's no place left for me to hide. 411 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,905 - you could always dive into a wooded thicket. 412 00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:18,794 hey, it works for bunnies. 413 00:15:18,818 --> 00:15:23,799 - z93 makes me mental in the morning! 414 00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:26,836 - whoo-hoo! 415 00:15:26,860 --> 00:15:28,070 - yeah! 416 00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:31,107 - i've seen more people collapse this week. 417 00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:32,541 - that was pretty good. 418 00:15:32,565 --> 00:15:33,942 but good enough to win a t-shirt? 419 00:15:33,966 --> 00:15:35,778 i don't think so. 420 00:15:35,802 --> 00:15:38,514 - there must be some other students out there 421 00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:42,618 who can tell us on the air why z93 422 00:15:42,642 --> 00:15:44,887 makes them mental in the morning. 423 00:15:44,911 --> 00:15:45,911 - me, me! 424 00:15:46,913 --> 00:15:48,791 - you there, in the green. 425 00:15:48,815 --> 00:15:49,792 yeah, you! 426 00:15:49,816 --> 00:15:51,059 - once again, 427 00:15:51,083 --> 00:15:52,995 i'm being personally addressed by a morning dj. 428 00:15:53,019 --> 00:15:53,996 - that's it. 429 00:15:54,020 --> 00:15:55,197 i want your autograph. 430 00:15:55,221 --> 00:15:57,199 - you've been avoiding us all week long. 431 00:15:57,223 --> 00:15:58,734 why not come up here 432 00:15:58,758 --> 00:16:05,073 and tell us why z93 makes you mental in the morning? 433 00:16:05,097 --> 00:16:07,309 - free t-shirt. 434 00:16:07,333 --> 00:16:10,278 - it's two sizes too large and tissue thin. 435 00:16:10,302 --> 00:16:11,714 how can you resist? 436 00:16:11,738 --> 00:16:14,416 - i'd finally have a decent outfit for the auto show. 437 00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:16,918 - but are you mental in the morning? 438 00:16:16,942 --> 00:16:19,221 - you know, i think i am. 439 00:16:23,682 --> 00:16:26,662 a few days ago, my father had a heart attack, 440 00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:28,964 forcing me to admit his mortality to myself 441 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,465 for the first time. 442 00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:32,034 accepting this grim new knowledge 443 00:16:32,058 --> 00:16:33,569 has been especially difficult, 444 00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:35,705 as i've been under constant yammering assault 445 00:16:35,729 --> 00:16:37,606 by two utterly brainless and talentless 446 00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:40,009 so-called radio personalities. 447 00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:43,312 and so for these reasons, i, daria morgendorffer, 448 00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:44,868 am mental in the morning. 449 00:16:54,113 --> 00:16:55,458 - what do you think? 450 00:16:55,482 --> 00:16:57,560 it's basically your chili recipe 451 00:16:57,584 --> 00:16:58,794 but with half the fat. 452 00:16:58,818 --> 00:17:00,529 - jake will know the difference. 453 00:17:00,553 --> 00:17:01,964 he grew up with my chili. 454 00:17:01,988 --> 00:17:04,266 - and now he's had a heart attack. 455 00:17:04,290 --> 00:17:06,869 - i'm sure you did the best you could. 456 00:17:06,893 --> 00:17:09,338 chili's not easy for someone who so rarely 457 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:10,406 gets to cook for her family. 458 00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:11,807 now, ruth... 459 00:17:11,831 --> 00:17:13,208 together: quinn? 460 00:17:13,232 --> 00:17:17,112 - did you know the heart can take blue blood and make it red? 461 00:17:17,136 --> 00:17:19,314 - quinn, if you don't take your nose out of that book 462 00:17:19,338 --> 00:17:21,250 from time to time, you're going to get wrinkles. 463 00:17:21,274 --> 00:17:22,618 - i thought of that. 464 00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:24,919 but the lady at the makeup counter said reading is okay 465 00:17:24,943 --> 00:17:26,455 as long as i pace myself. 466 00:17:26,479 --> 00:17:30,058 - wouldn't it just be easier just to marry a nice doctor? 467 00:17:30,082 --> 00:17:32,327 then you could stay home with your children 468 00:17:32,351 --> 00:17:35,498 and have dinner on the table for your husband every night. 469 00:17:35,522 --> 00:17:37,132 - just what are you getting at, ruth? 470 00:17:37,156 --> 00:17:39,701 - she wants you both to model your lives after hers. 471 00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:41,236 and who could blame her? 472 00:17:41,260 --> 00:17:43,372 after all, you were just telling dad yesterday 473 00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:46,241 how you made all the right decisions in your life. 474 00:17:46,265 --> 00:17:47,709 right, grandma? 475 00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:48,977 - i... well... 476 00:17:49,001 --> 00:17:52,748 i need to check on the laundry. 477 00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:54,538 - you both owe me. 478 00:17:55,975 --> 00:17:57,720 - how does she do that? 479 00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:59,755 - you got me. 480 00:17:59,779 --> 00:18:01,891 - how are you feeling, jakey? 481 00:18:01,915 --> 00:18:03,425 - oh, better, i guess. 482 00:18:03,449 --> 00:18:05,961 it's just a little difficult when your first major organ 483 00:18:05,985 --> 00:18:07,295 decides to betray you. 484 00:18:07,319 --> 00:18:10,332 - just be thankful your pancreas is still on your side. 485 00:18:10,356 --> 00:18:13,168 - daria, how am i doing as a dad? 486 00:18:13,192 --> 00:18:15,304 - um, i'm not sure what you mean. 487 00:18:15,328 --> 00:18:18,040 - my father always had to point out how i was screwing up. 488 00:18:18,064 --> 00:18:19,475 and that screwed me up. 489 00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:22,611 i just want to make sure i never make you girls feel that way, 490 00:18:22,635 --> 00:18:24,913 less worthwhile or intelligent than your old man. 491 00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:28,050 - here, i did the hard parts of the crossword for you. 492 00:18:28,074 --> 00:18:29,084 thanks, kiddo. 493 00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:30,552 - don't worry, dad. 494 00:18:30,576 --> 00:18:33,722 i'm sure you're doing better than your father did. 495 00:18:33,746 --> 00:18:36,058 for starters, wasn't he dead at your age? 496 00:18:36,082 --> 00:18:37,659 - hey! 497 00:18:37,683 --> 00:18:41,063 - do doctors in operating rooms have to wear these masks? 498 00:18:41,087 --> 00:18:43,232 because they can't be good for your pores. 499 00:18:43,256 --> 00:18:44,466 - not now, quinn! 500 00:18:44,490 --> 00:18:47,035 i mixed up the sugar and the salt again. 501 00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:48,637 - yahoo! 502 00:18:48,661 --> 00:18:51,039 i'm better than him, better than him at living. 503 00:18:51,063 --> 00:18:52,675 he was dead at my age. 504 00:18:52,699 --> 00:18:55,244 wahoo! 505 00:18:55,268 --> 00:18:56,578 - was that jakey? 506 00:18:56,602 --> 00:18:59,180 - mom, does this mean that daddy isn't going to die? 507 00:18:59,204 --> 00:19:02,839 - i think it's safe to say that daddy's better now, honey. 508 00:19:07,246 --> 00:19:08,724 - where's that message pad? 509 00:19:08,748 --> 00:19:09,725 - you can use this phone. 510 00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:10,749 i'll use my cellular. 511 00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:13,228 - yay! 512 00:19:13,252 --> 00:19:14,563 hello, front lawn. 513 00:19:14,587 --> 00:19:16,131 hello, garbage truck! 514 00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:17,332 merry christmas, 515 00:19:17,356 --> 00:19:20,002 you wonderful old garden gnome. 516 00:19:20,026 --> 00:19:23,138 - so grandma ruth just took off? 517 00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:26,174 - she finally realized she was doing more harm than good. 518 00:19:26,198 --> 00:19:28,010 - and did you perhaps help her realize that? 519 00:19:28,034 --> 00:19:30,346 - i may have had a hand in her epiphany. 520 00:19:30,370 --> 00:19:32,248 - hope you washed it thoroughly. 521 00:19:32,272 --> 00:19:34,250 so with the party van gone, 522 00:19:34,274 --> 00:19:35,584 i guess your life is back to normal 523 00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:36,751 at school and at home. 524 00:19:36,775 --> 00:19:39,621 - you know, as stupid as both places are, 525 00:19:39,645 --> 00:19:41,690 i see now that they could be a lot worse. 526 00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:44,259 - why, daria, are you becoming an optimist? 527 00:19:44,283 --> 00:19:46,194 - hmm, i'm not sure. 528 00:19:46,218 --> 00:19:47,318 hold up your glass. 529 00:19:48,388 --> 00:19:50,465 - nope, still half empty. 530 00:19:50,489 --> 00:19:52,034 - guess it was just a phase. 531 00:19:52,058 --> 00:19:54,803 - although the half that's there looks delightfully refreshing. 532 00:19:55,828 --> 00:19:59,108 - all right, party pizza people. 533 00:19:59,132 --> 00:20:01,210 this is the z93 party van, 534 00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:04,013 and we'll be broadcasting live all week from right here 535 00:20:04,037 --> 00:20:07,149 at the best pizza place in town. 536 00:20:07,173 --> 00:20:11,019 now, who here digs djs?